I enjoyed it

I was a child

Whose cl*!^*#s

Was being stimulated

By an older cousin

She loved

And felt safe with

I was told to keep it

Between us

And I effortlessly

Obeyed

The more it happened

The angrier he got

The guilt

The fear of being caught

The shame for his desires

Rising up

In his throat

Like a knot

The rushing

The hushing

The ‘don't tell anyone’

This is ours

Taught me a few lessons

About love, life

And desire

I am worth hiding

I'm dirty

I'm bad

I cannot enjoy

Love

Connection

Or joy

Or else

Someone will be mad

For the next 20 years

I created dramatic traps

Everytime I loved

There was about to be

A mishap.

Someone will find out

His mother, society or my husband

I don't deserve to be to be glad

Coz someone will be sad

I've wrapped myself

In guilt and fear

Thinking it's normal

To like it here

This is the story

I write

Everytime a different book

Connection and joy

Shrouded in secrecy

Always with a different look.

I hurt the people who love me

calm and proud

Mistaking chaos for chemistry

Always chasing

People who gave me crumbs

And filled me with doubt

Why report after 20 years?

Forgive, forget and move on

After all he was a different man

Why bring all this up today

Why make him pay

Who cares if some boundaries

Were crossed

It's not as if

He had an evil plan.

And yet for 20 years

This baggage

I've continued to carry

Thinking it was

All my fault

I should have been

More wary

I should have done this

I should have said that

I should have bit

His d!*k off

I should have fought back

And yet

I was a child

Trusting a person

She loved

With stars in her eyes

Ignoring everything

Her body was telling her

Not to put away

Or shove

The pain

The confusion

The fear

And the dark

Strong enough to overwhelm

And suppress so deep

That for 20 years

This story

Would not

Show it's mark

Until one day

I was safe enough

And it all came alive

Erupting like a dormant

Volcano

That blew up my life.

Betrayed by my body and brain

I believed everything

That I created was a lie

And burned myself from shame

I kept replaying the story

Each time to end up

With blame

After Thousands of hours

And dollars

On therapy

Antidepressants

EMDR

Drugs and alcohol

Hitting rock bottom

And almost losing it all.

Brings me here today

To this moment of clarity

I am allowed

To experience

Connection

Pleasure

And joy

Without guilt or fear

This is how it should have

always been and not some

Magical rarity

So this is what I lost

And millions

Abused, like me

Our tainted histories.

So tell me again,

Why

His reputation matters

More than

Our entire

Life stories.

Xx Srush

To escape grief

I've kept her

behind big gates all my life

And now finally

I feel

Ready to face her.

I thought she would be

An angry monster

Who charges at me

Horns bared.

That I'd have to shield

And brace myself

But when I opened those gates

I'm surprised

She's a river.

Murky and dark

Depthless

Scared I stand behind

But something inside me

moves me forward.

The sun is rising

On the horizon

And the golden rays

Shimmer through

The murky weeds

Tempting.

I give in.

I descend slowly

Deliberately

And enter

This river

Of grief.

It's warmer here

Than I thought it would be

I sit in it

Wallow

Dance with the wind

While the weeds

Caress

My hips

And hug my belly

My tears flow

Free and wild

The river drinking them up

Dissolving the murkiness

With each one

Making way for

Shimmers

of the golden

Morning sun

Light.

More Tears. More Light.

Enter.

Light.

Xx Srush

Brings new stings of pain

Like being haunted

by a ghost

In the mirror.

She is you

And you are her

But you haven't looked more

Different

Ever.

She stands there

Bare chested

Exhausted

And bleeding

Gives you

An acknowledging nod

Gratitude and anger

Burning equal in her eyes

Daring you to play

A game

Of truth or lies.

If you lit the fire

Necessary for this transformation

She gathered the wood for it

If you lay warm

Under a quilt of safety

She bled her fingers weaving it.

But she lost everything she knew

In this fire

And you lost her.

The fire took her

From you.

And now she's back

In heaps of clothes

Stuffed in black trash bags

And old greeting cards

And notes she saved.

Here she stands, anew.

In piles of dusty books

And pretty trinkets

From around the world

Tracing the path she paved.

A harsh reckoning of the past

Lies before you

Along with her

open empty grave.

You've honored and buried

So many parts of her

Thinking everytime

Now I'm done.

But here you are facing

The mirror

And chills run

Down your tongue.

You panic

Like you've opened

An old closet by mistake

Full of clothes that

She once wore

Her smell

Her taste

The swish of her hips

Dripping from every pore.

You breathe in deeply

Regretting at once

A concoction of pain

And relief

Flood your dry aching bones.

You stumble

You fumble

Sit down to still yourself

Willing this door to close.

But the springs are off

The door is open

Engulfing you in a new wave

of grief

Familiar stranger

Sharp and comforting

Asking for belief.

Belief that

All of that was true.

You were once her

This bleeding girl in the mirror

Just as now

You are you.

She built her life

She lived, she loved

Till one day the pain

Outweighed the earth

She split herself open

And shattered like a nebula

Making way for your

Much needed birth.

So thank her

And honor her

Lay flowers at her feet.

This brave bleeding

Bare chested ghost

Has won.

Look closely at her face.

This was not defeat.

She birthed you

So you could bury her

Now respectfully

Pry the bags open

Sort through Her stuff

Keep the essence

To build her an alter with

Get rid of the rest, after all

just fluff.

Lay her to rest in that open grave

Give her permission

To depart

Her flesh

Her bones

They make you up

She will always be

Part of your heart.

So breathe in deep

Light some candles

Burn some sage

Roll up your sleeves

And sink down on your knees.

As you choose parts of her

To honor

With intention

That tell

A truer story

Of your

Blossoming

Heritage.

Xx Srush

That I've been her daughter

I don't remember

What it feels like

I became her mother

I was 6 years old

When my father left

I became her mother

When she was raising

Us

By herself

And raising herself

At the same time

I became her mother

When I was 15 years old

And her mother got cancer

And later when she died

I became her mother

No time to grieve

My grandma

Who raised me

I became her mother

I sat there

Kissing her hand

Holding her through

Her inconsolable

Grief

No space to be granddaughter

I became her mother

When I was 13

She split her head open

On a wall

When she banged it

On purpose

Out of rage

And frustration

I became her mother

No time

To grieve

My own childhood

I became her mother

All the times

She threatened to send us away

To boarding school

And once drove us

To the lake

To drown us

No time

For childish behavior

Like yelling too loud

I became her mother

I became her mother

When I left the country

For some freedom

For some youth

To be my age

To be a 20 year old

And yet

In that leaving

I became her mother

She was a lost child

Abandoned

And lonely

She forgot to take

Her tampon out

For three days

And searched

The whole house

Till she realized

The source

Of the stench

Was her

I became her mother

When she told me this

On our 4th call of the day

And I was filled with guilt

And worry

I became her mother

I was not there to carry

Her burdens anymore

She had to try to become

her own mother

And she failed

So miserably at it that

I became her mother

My mother

The eternal daughter

The one who waited

For tenderness

From her own mother

until she died.

The one who

Slogs day and night

After her

Old, mean, asshole

Of a father

Waiting for validation

Hoping someday

Someday

The love

will arrive

She is a daughter

Eternal daughter

And I

Became her mother.

Xx Srush

Channel and cigarettes

Fresh out of her therapists office

Hair buzzed

Gold shimmers off her fingers and ears

Rings adorning her nose

Her skin clear

And proudly brown

Crow feet's forming at her eyes

Everytime she smiles

This is the 35 year old hosting a dinner

For her previous selves.

Setting the table

A few minutes before her guests arrive

Serving her easy butter chicken with naan

That she could make in her sleep.

Ages adorning each plate.

35.

Each with an age placeholder in front

The 7 year old is first to arrive

Wanting so badly to be on time

Slightly intimated by the 35 year old's appearance

She appreciates being talked to like an equal and not babied like when she speaks to other adults

This is someone she could tell about her life when they had time someday

And maybe the secret she was newly carrying would suddenly go away

She feels so confused

Sad and scared

The special bond

With her abuser

She shared

Then comes the 25 year old

Practicing punctuality

As a practice of rebellion

Against the stereotypes

She wears a tight dress

And sucks her belly in

She feels intrigued by the 35 year old

And says this is who I want to be when I grow up

26 walks in with her hair cut short

Hungry for romantic connection

She scans the room

Thirsty for experience

For exploring

But her eyes keep darting to the mirror

This new haircut is so damn roaring.

27 cancels coz she's depressed

29 coz she's morning sick.

30 shows up with baby puke on her dress

But she's there nevertheless

And has the longest list of dietary requirements. Lactose free, gluten free, no sugar, no salt.

She tries so hard to be a good mom.

Next come in 19, 20, and 21

Dressed in short skirts

And shorter patience

They smell a glass of wine

And cackle loudly

Taking their high heels off

To dance on the table.

Along follow the early teens

13, 14 and 15

They're frazzled

Stressed and sleepless

Dark circles a shade of purple adorn their eyes

13 looks restless hesitantly expecting her first period any minute.

14 seems late for her daily schedule

15 looks lost

Unprocessed grief dripping out her eye lids, smeering her kajal down her cheeks and across.

34 saunters in just in time

Stars in her eyes, she calls everyone mi amor.

She stares at her phone the whole time

Checking for the 17th time if the woman

She is so madly in love with

And can't stop talking about

has texted her back yet.

She has not

6 and 10 are the last ones to walk in

Knuckles white from hold hands so tight

Their eyes darting across the room scanning for danger

They seem to relax when they see no men around, their eyes still stay on the door throughout dinner

Waiting for their mom to come pick them up

Hopefully the wait time this time will be thinner.

I stand up and raise my glass

I have an announcement to make

Thank you all for coming

I am genuinely

Truly

Profusely grateful to each of you

For existing

Each and everyone of you brought me to where I'm at.

And I’d stopped for sometime to sit and ponder

This navel gazing brought our truth to the light

And makes us acknowledge our lot in life, including the flowers, rain and thunder.

This 35 year old is asking your permission

From each version to be set free.

Free from the shackles that bind and keep you small

That told you, you were meant for everything or nothing at all.

The thing is we've had a human lot

Some good, some great, some ugly

Somethings should never have happened

And others well sure

But this is what we have for now

This is it

Nothing less

Nothing more

So give me permission

My previous selves

Permission to stop

Fighting

To change the past

Hoping this time will be the last

Painful story I'm writing.

I know it probably

Won't.

But I promise you

One thing

I will write.

Honor each and everyone of you.

I'll be unhinged

I'll be feral

I'll be the softest

And most ruthless

I've ever been

And live.

Not just survive.

Live.

Big.

Bold.

Brave.

And make you all proud.

The ashes can fall

Where they may.

And I will rise

Like a phoenix

Everytime

Just as each of you

Before me

Has done.

So give me permission

Set me free.

Let me be.

Just be.

Xx Srush

Were the first thing

I noticed about you

The way you talk

With your hands

Waving them about

Making circles in the air

Your shiny

Silver rings

Catching shimmers of sunlight

Gleaming in through the window

So many rings

Teasing

Tempting

Daring me to

Come closer

Tantalizing

Distracting me

Making me lose

My cool girl

Composure

Your fingers

On the cold steel of

A knife

Chopping up garlic

Pinching up salt

Scooping up a single strand of spaghetti

Out of a boiling pan

Flicking then licking them

To soothe the burn

I want to lick those fingers too

But this is all still so new

So I bite my tongue

And wait my turn

And let my desire for you slowly burn

While we wait on dinner

You walk over

To your drums

This is your passion after all

And I think your trying to impress me

You play a beat

Effortless

Smooth

But your fingers are all I can see

Wrapped now around a drumstick

The way I want them wrapped

Around my neck

My thoughts making me blush

A deep purple

You notice

And smile

You stand up

And walk over to me

The distance seems like a mile

Your fingers

Make contact first

Creeping their way up into my hair

Our lips are next to break the ice

Soft, plump, firm

This has never felt so nice

You kiss me softly at first

Testing the waters

a bit shy

I put my tongue in your mouth

Tasting your rolled cigarette breath

Making me sigh

Ealier I watched Entranced

As you casually rolled a cigarette

The filter between your lips

As you gave me your opinion

About bell hooks all about love

Your fingers firmly rolling the tobacco

Into a neat little row

You lick the paper

And paste it over

And the memory has me dripping wet

All over

Your fingers cold and strong

Are now running down my spine

Our tongues meet like old lovers

Deprived of water

Thirsty

We rip off each other's clothes

Desperate to feel more skin

Dripping

You shower my whole body

In soft kisses

And make your way down

To my pussy

You look up at me

And hold my gaze

As you

Slowly

Take off your rings

Those eyes

I could drown in

Turn from she to he to them

I take deep breaths

Hoping to calm the storm within

You bring your fingers to

My aching center

And strum me like

An instrument

My musician, my artist

My moans

Making music

I want those fingers inside me now

And I tell you so

1

More

2

More

3

More

4

Making rainbows on my cervix

Deep inside me

Spiraling

My shame

My pain

My traumas

Out of my soul

Breathing them out of me

Making me whole

I howl

I weep

My voice Making unrecognizable sounds

You hold me gently and touch me softly

And keep making those rounds

You touch me of so softly

Your touch makes me cry

Inch by inch

Writing over

All the ways

In which

I've ever been touched

Undeserved.

You hold me like an leash on a surfboard

While I ride this tidal wave of

Grief, pleasure

Pain and relief

Safely back to the shore.

Then rise up from my knees

Wiping your chin

Holding my gaze

You smile

Your gorgeous smile

Kiss me softly on the lips

And whisper

More?

Xx Srush

Again

To burn

My whole life

Down

I'm overwhelmed

I can't deal

With pain

Or love

So I'll destroy

Everything

Thinking

It'll make it easier

To live

With myself

Now

Who I'm I

To deserve

All this

Love

So I tell

Myself

It's not enough

I'm too much

And scorch

The earth

I stand on.

But then I call

A trusted friend

Burn, she says.

But that won't

Bring you

Closer

To where you want to be.

A distraction

At best

I push people

Away

To test

If

They really love me

They'll stay

If they leave

They didn't mean it

Anyway.

Self sabotage

The books call it

My most familiar friend

I say.

So if you read this

And I've pushed you away

Don't go.

Please stay.

Water my fire

With a warm cup of tea

And a hug

Coz under my

Dragon Scales

Is a tiny little sparrow

Rolled up in a rug

Someone clipped her wings

Many years ago

And she learned

That they only let dragons fly

So she Disguised

Herself

In dragon skin

All prickly

And cold

Scary to the ordinary eye

Wear some gloves

Hold that dragon

Kiss her till

She

Gives up

The fight

She'll kick and growl

To protect herself

Testing you

With all her might

But stay.

Please stay.

Be soft

A place for a sparrow

To land.

She needs your love

Even if she threatens

To burn everything down

Stay. Please.

Even if you don't

Understand.

Xx Srush

On my knees

And there he is again

To do as he'll please

Shoving himself

Into my mouth

Oblivious to my resistance

Holding me by the hair

Pushing me about

I was 6 when this started

Scared

Tiny hearted

I just wanted to be loved

And held

Validated

By a man

I so deeply

Admired

He oozed coolness

His attention

Everyone desired

It started in my sleep

Cuddles

Turning

Into hands

That creep

Up and down

My tiny torso

Fingers in my mouth

Preparing

For more

I couldn't say

A word

Couldn't resist

If I pretended to sleep

It didn't exist

Anymore

But soon

It became frequent

A habit

I actively participated in

This dirty little secret

Drowned in darkness

My voice

My memories

Turning my innocence

Into mortal sin

I'm back on my knees

With his

Dick in my mouth

Something inside

Me

Snaps

My teeth

Taking on a life

Of their own

Tighten their grip

Guding me

Like a map

I'm vicious

Wolf like

Eyes red and gleaming

A mad ness

Hidden deep inside

Now on the surface

Reaming

I look in his eyes

As I tighten my grip

A horror

Across his face

Flashes

I am

Going to bite this thing

Right off your body

You motherfucker

My big brother

A fucking disgrace

Hey! Stop that

He yells

Tries to push me away

As the fear inside him

Swells

I'm haunted

And wild

Powered by rage

No longer

A child

I growl

And groan

If you ever do this again

I'll bite your dick

Clean off

And eat your remains

I moan

And that is how

It ends

Four years

Of nightmares

Of abuse

From the first man

I ever loved

I ever called

A friend

I bury it

Deep within

For 20 years

Scales tipped in my favor

My anger

Becoming

My power

To defend

I grow up

Unknowing

But wanting to bite the patriarchy's dick off

This anger inside me

Growing

This man didn't make me

Who I am

The 10 year old in me did

She got off her knees

and saved my life

And I owe it to her

To never give up

The fight.

Xx Srush

With Greek men

Drinking ouzo

Talking with my lover

Her friends

Her family

Laughing

Talking

Making inside jokes that

Only they understand

I smile

I witness

The kindness of this creature

Who makes friends

So differently

Than I do

Who feels at home

With academics

And addicts

Alike

Who drinks like

A man

And smokes

Like a man

Yet so

Gentle

Takes pictures

And videos

Of little tiny

Sparrows

Stealing

My snacks

My love

So different from me

And yet so familiar

So unfamiliar

And yet my home

Being close to her

Listening to her

Lament and babble

In a language

That sounds like

Musical fighting

Doesn't frustrate me

Like it did

A few years ago

With another love

I don't feel

Entitled

To her attention

Only glad

To share

In her presence

Watch

And witness

Her fingers

Drumming invisible drums

Unconsciously

In rhythm

Sealed with a kiss

Blushed cheeks

Peachy pink

Like the setting sun

That I love to kiss

This love

Her friends

Mine.

Her family.

Familiar.

Her.

My home.

Does exist

Her language

That I don't speak

Is music to my ears

Her family

Feels like mine

Her city

Familiar

Seeing her smile

Shine

Be the kindest

She can be

Brings me to tears

A heart so pure

Enraptured by

Mine

A love so big

So real

Expands my heart

Warms my soul

I can watch her

For days

Talking with her

Hands

Authentic

Gentle

Loving

My love

What were the odds

Of meeting

And falling

So deeply

In connection

Of recognizing

Each other

Again

This lifetime

Just like

All those times before

It feels like

Coming home

To rest

To be

To witness

And be witnessed

By a mirror

Who reflects

The best parts of you

And firmly hugs

The worst

A love like this

Makes me

Fly

And grounds me

In the same breath

How can this be wrong, mother?

When I've never felt

So right before.

Xx Srush

I held you close to my chest

To regulate your breath

I couldn't sleep

In the next room

Afraid to be far away from you

What if you needed me

In the night

One ear always open

Listening for the sound

Mama

And I'd come running

To your side

The times I'd lie on the floor

In your room

Holding your hand

Coz you needed me to

Whispering

Mama 's right here

My dear bird

Sleep

Now I tuck you

In bed

And close the door

To my ex husband's house

Get on bike

And cycle in the rain

Tears streaming down my face

As I remember

Those nights

When I couldn't bear

The thought of sleeping far away

From you

The taste of freedom

Stings bitter

In my mouth

My heart lurching

With every pedal forward

My baby

My love

I know you're safe

With the man

We both love

But being 7 mins away

Feels like an eternity

And 50% custody

Feels like

A bittersweet curse

Half your days

Half your nights

Half your life

I get to witness

Hoping that someday

You'll understand

And forgive me

For needing to breathe

You missed half my childhood

I once told my dad

He was so hurt

That he didn't

Talk to me

For two days

I feel his pain now

And I want to say

I understand

I forgive you, dad

And yet this daughter

Is still a little mad

Your mother is breaking

Some generational cycles

And repeating others

My life

I hope you find

A way to choose

Yourself

Without having

To fight.

Xx Mama

It's a bunch of gold bangles

Tied in a handkerchief

Passed down

From my great grandmother

To my grandmother

Passed down

From my grandmother

To my mother

Passed down

From my mother

To me

This will keep you safe

When all else

Falls away

To guide

Your decisions

To be

A good mother

A good wife

A good daughter

Guilt

Will show you

The way.

But this guilt

Is heavy

Once gold bangles

Now twisted with snakes

Around it

It turned

To ashes

Heavy

Hissing

Suffocating

The one who

Carries it

It's my heritage

My family heirloom

Of women

In my lineage

Fighting for

Space to breathe

With a plastic mask

Covering our faces

Never actually opening

The handkerchief

To see

What's in it

I do

Now

And I don't want to pass this on

Not to my girls

Not to their girls

Not to any more

Women

In my lineage

So

I'll transform

This guilt

Into freedom

Into pride

Put the ashes down

Bless them

And

Bury them

Deep in the ground

I'll keep the handkerchief

Fill it with gold bangles

Of my own

Gold bangles

Wrapped in

Flowers

Of freedom

Of choice

Of being able

To do

Hard things

Of choosing

Yourself

Without punishing

Yourself

For it

So

I'll take of that mask

And breathe deeply

So that

My daughters

And their daughters

Can too.

Xx Srush

I'm so good with words

Have always been

I could name every part of my body

Name it by its anatomically correct name at three.

I knew the life cycle of a butterfly

Spot on at four

But how does a butterfly feel?

Warm breeze on it's wings

The fluttering of its tiny heart.

Does it know

It just came out

Of a cocoon?

Where it's old version

Turned to mush

Does it grieve it's caterpillar?

Where in it’s tiny body

Does it feel the grief?

All my body parts

Still intact

I walk through the world

Constantly moving

Stiming and grooving

Good to distract

But how do I feel?

Where and what?

Baby, feeeeel

My sweet love says to me

I take a deep breath

And search for my heart.

Did I leave it up in the tree

Like the monkey in the crocodile story?

To protect it from getting

Chewed out for dinner

Keep it safe

High up in a cozy nest

Making me a winner

After all

The world is full of crocodiles

And my heart

So tasty.

Baby, feeeel.

How do I feel

With a broken heart?

I think it stopped working babe

The batteries died out

And no one bothered to change them.

Once, it used to light up and beat with a charm

Now it's dull and dusty

Sometimes beating in alarm

Alarmed at its own existence thus far.

Forgotten in an old junkyard like a broken down car.

Baby, feeel

It's too hard, honey.

My heart shattered like glass

The tiny pieces are sharp and make me bleed

And I've always been so scared of blood

Indeed

Baby, feel

How do I feel with a broken heart?

Can someone put these pieces back together?

Ive been looking for someone to save me from my own agony, my loneliness, longing and pain.

I've searched all around

the world

and come back empty handed

always in vain.

The girl who can save me likes to dance in the rain.

She feels the warm droplets

on her skin

and that makes her heart swell with gain.

Baby, feel

So that's where I'll start.

Go back to the girl with the unbroken heart.

Before she could name her bodyparts and butterflies.

She felt the sweetness

of mango on her tongue

and softness of laying her head

on her grandma's thighs.

She lives right here

Buried deep in my soul

The little girl with bright eyes

Who can once make again

Make me whole

Baby, feeel

I was so scared to not feel pain

I tucked my joy away too

But it's not in vain.

I'm safe now

And it's okay

Baby, feeeel

Yes. My love.

I think I know how.

I'll follow her lead.

I feel an eeny meeny teeny tiny little something, now.

Xx Srush

I hear familiar sounds

Mother's reading bedtime stories

Father's collecting sandy beach toys

Strewn around

After a day of play

The sounds of laughter

Joyous abandon

Still ringing clear

In the shrubby dunes

Some children

Get to play

While others

Get to die

Slowly

As the whole world watches

Side eyed

Careful to not

Dampen their summer plans

With those emaciated photos

So far away

Brown children

Starved

While blond

Blue eyed

Well feed

Sleeping in tents

For fun

Do Palestinian children bleed differently?

Does hunger twist their stomachs less?

Fifty five thousand

Children starving

While mothers watch

Helpless

How I rush to give my child a cracker

When she makes a little peep

The little one has not eaten in two hours

How well did she sleep?

Fretting and fussing over every little curl

Kissing her little face

No matter how my exhausted body wants to unfurl

Flashes of mothers

Whose kids are vanishing before their eyes

Crushed by this world, all it's heartless politics and lies.

I would rather kill my kids than watch them slowly die

But then again

I know that's me telling myself a brave lie

I heard a pediatric doctor once say

That children's bodies don't give up so easily

They are meant to survive

And so they hold on

And on

Fighting death with all their little might

Much to their mother's hope and plight

I wish the sky would just open up

And shower them with milk and honey

Hold them in her arms

And pray for forgiveness

That the world doesn't deserve

Since some children's lives today

Matter less than money.

Xx Srush

Ma.

Mama.

Mom.

I look for you in every unequal relationship I create.

Wise.

Caring.

Loving.

Holding me.

In all my complexity.

Seeing me.

In all my chaos.

With a smile

That says

I'm proud of you.

I accept you.

Unequal.

I want unequal.

Where you are above me.

All knowing

Wise

Where I can fall apart

Be taken care of

And not have to

Take care of you.

You never tell me your problems

As far as I'm concerned

You don't have any.

You're here

For me

Only me

Always

Your shining star

Glittering on stage

Clapping

Cheering me on

From the side wings

Mouthing the words of a song

When I forget

You got me

I'm safe

You would never even dream

Of hurting me

I belong to you

Like a little baby bear

Protected in it's mama's embrace

She'll rip apart anyone who

Threatens her baby

Her. Baby.

But this is not you, my mother.

I became your mother.

Unequal

But with me on top

Taking care

Walking on eggshells

Mincing my words

Not to hurt you

Or make you angry

Coz you were bigger

And held the whip

Giving you advice

Reminding you to eat

Holding you while

You cried

With guilt

For beating me.

So I look outside

Attracted to inequality

To anyone

Who tells me

I'm safe.

And holds me with their wisdom.

Who let's me be silly.

And act like a child.

Who brushes my hair

And kisses my booboos.

Who tells me they're proud

And they'll love me

Unequally

Forever.

It's you, I'm looking for.

Mom.

The you. I needed.

I need.

Rightful inequality.

Is what makes a mother.

Indeed.

to grow old and gray

with you

I wish that

everytime

I wish on an eyelash

Hey

I have also eyelash wished that

That I want to be

With you

Happily

Forever

We will

We already are

Xx Srush

Fill bookshelves with words

That describe

How much

You mean

To me

But

All the words

In the world

Are not enough

So

All I'll say is

Thank you.

For being my home

For watching over my soul

For holding me

While I grow

For being

A frontrow witness

to my becoming

And for letting me go.

Xx Srush

Slowly.

Painfully.

Gracefully.

With so much love

That you forget

Why you're getting

divorced in the first place

It's just paperwork, he says.

Just paperwork, she says.

In another life

I hope you'll be a woman.

In another life

I hope I won't be traumatized

By men.

Xx Srush

In a dark chamber

Breathing

Waiting

In restless

Slumber

Chains on her feet

Muzzled snout

Patiently longing

To let her fire out.

There's a little girl

Standing

Next to the dragon

She's holding a key

That can unlock the dragons

Chains

Set both of them free

But the little girl is scared

Someone once told her

Her mom would die

If she dared

Dared make a noise

Use her voice

To tell

Someone

About these hands

That grab her in the night

Snakes coiling around her thighs

Hissing and frothing

Fingers around her neck

Suffocating

So she swallowed her screams

And murdered her dreams

Locked it all away deep inside

Her chest

Key buried

Put it all to rest

It's been 30 years now

And the woman is awake

She found the chest

And opened it wide

She found her history inside

The girl

And the dragon

And all of the snakes

Still coiled around her

Hissing awake

The woman pried

The snakes off

She wears them

As a crown

But the girl

Is

Still standing

Holding this dragon

By its chains

Keeping it

Down

What if my mom dies

What if my daughters

She cries

The woman holds

Her

Hand

Burn it all down

Baby

The dragon

Has

Opened

Her eyes.

When they stay.

Stay.

For how long?

Forever.

Forever.

Xx Srush